Harry Hay is someone who was important to White Crane in many ways, politically, historically, and personally, just to name a few. White Crane Issue #60 was devoted to Elders. In it, Jack Davis shared his beautiful memory of the day Harry Hay died:
Washing Harry by Jack Davis
Harry Hay came to San Francisco along with his lover, John Burnside in June of 1999 to be one of the grand marshals of the LGBT Pride Parade. They lived in Los Angeles at the time. Before he left for the trip, Harry had a few problems with his health; he had pains in his stomach and his back, not unusual for someone who was 87. During the parade, the back pain became so severe that he was unable to attend the after-parade reception, but instead went back to Jerry Lasley’s apartment, where he and John were staying and went to bed. Soon it became apparent to those around Harry that not only was it wise for him to stay in bed, it was also wise for him to stay in San Francisco.
Harry’s life and his work have been documented in two books and a film and still there are stories to be told about him. These next few sentences present only a few of the important things about Harry Hay. He was a founding member of the Mattachine Society, one of the first gay rights organizations in the country and is considered to be the father of the modern gay rights movement. He was the first person to state that gays are a cultural minority. In 1979 Harry and John were part of the group of queer men that organized something called a spiritual conference for radical faeries – the first faerie gathering. He was an amazing, complex, intelligent, sweet man with a wry sense of humor.
A few days after that Pride Day in 1999, a circle was called to deal with taking care of Harry and John. At that first meeting it was decided that we would move Harry and John up from Los Angeles. Actually, Stuart Timmons was going to do the packing and moving part. Our job in San Francisco was to find them a place to live and at the same time to start getting Harry some good quality medical care, all of which we did within very a short period of time.
In addition to the doctor and hospital visits, the home nurse visits and acquiring medical equipment, like a hospital bed, an oxygen machine and a wheel chair, there was a need for personal contact and care. So along with seeing to the medical and legal issues, driving Harry and John to and from doctor’s and dentist’s appointments, shopping, cooking and cleaning, those of us in the circle devoted time to just being with Harry. I took the Saturday morning shift.
With proper care and supervision Harry’s back improved and he was able to get out of bed and walk around his new apartment, usually with some assistance. Pretty early into my Saturday morning visit routine, I found out from Harry that he had not had a shower in a very long time. He was getting sponge baths, but I decided that wasn’t adequate. Together we devised a cunning plan to get him into the bathroom so that I could help him take a proper shower.
Over the span of the three and a half years that we did the Saturday morning showers, Harry and I gradually put together the many steps it takes to get a somewhat frail man in his late 80’s undressed, into the bathroom and into the shower…he took off his watch, I took off his oxygen tube, he took off his shirt, I helped him put the oxygen tube back on, I helped him put on his robe, I brushed his hair, he took out the hearing aid. Harry would cue me for each step, he didn’t like for us to move too quickly.
When he was ready, I would gather up the oxygen tubing. He would stand up and grab the belt at the back of my pants and I would lead him into the bathroom, feeding out the tubing as we went. I usually called on Saturday mornings before I came, to see if Harry was up for a shower and to remind John to turn on the heater in the drafty bathroom so that by the time that Harry and I got there it would be warm.
When we had completed the short trip to the bathroom I would assist him in taking off his robe and then help him accomplish the awkward maneuver of stepping into the bathtub and sitting on the shower bench. Harry was very concerned about re-injuring his back. Even though we were about the same height I was much bigger than he was, so I think that it gave him some confidence when I would hold onto him while he got into the tub and sat down.
We chatted before and after the shower, but because Harry was without his hearing aid, we did not talk much when we were in the bathroom. I would ask him about the water temperature. I would tell him which part we were going to wash next. I let him do as much as he could do for himself. At the beginning I washed his hair and washed his back. Harry really liked having his back washed. Sometimes we would do it several times. It was one of the ways that I could warm him up when he got chilly and I also knew that it was one of the few times during his week when he had physical sensations that he couId enjoy. I washed his feet and legs because bending was not good for him. As time progressed, I gradually started washing more and more of him.
Harry was gracious. I attempted to be empathetic, and even though we occasionally had a tense moment, we got on pretty well. I knew that having someone, who was not John, assist him in such an intimate process as bathing had an importance to him that I could not fully understand. We never discussed that part of it. We sometimes talked about the shower routine as if we were re-enacting the scene from a Botticelli’s painting; Harry referred to it as “The Re-birth of Venus.” When we had finished the shower and Harry was fully dressed he always expressed his gratitude. John frequently told me that the showers meant a lot to Harry.
When I was done washing him I would dry him and then cover him with towels to keep him warm and we would both sit for a while until he was ready to get out of the tub and walk back to his bed. Even though I was doing most of the work, a shower still used a lot of his energy. Toward the end, getting out of the tub was so strenuous that we broke the activity down into a few parts. He would stand up, I would help him out of the tub and help him put on his bathrobe and then he would sit down again to rest before he would grab my belt so that I could lead him back to his bed. Once we got there, we would reverse the undressing process with the hearing aid, the hair, the robe, the oxygen and the watch.
In the early fall of 2002 we heard from the doctor that Harry had lung cancer and had only a short time to live, so the caregivers circle made the shift to focusing on Harry’s quality of life for the few weeks that he had remaining. In the past there had been times when it was difficult for Harry to make the short trip from his bed to the bathtub, but he had always regained his strength. Now he was declining and we all knew that there would not be a recovery.
Harry and I both knew when we had done the last shower. In his weakened state, he barely made it to the bathroom. He had to rest before we even started the shower. I remember thinking that it would be the last time I that I would scrub his back, so I scrubbed it very well. He had to rest quite a while after the shower before we left the bathroom. Even though we took the shortest route and walked to the side of his bed that was closest to the bathroom, all of 15 feet, he was exhausted when he got there. That’s when he said that he wouldn’t be able to walk to the bathroom again. I continued to come on Saturday mornings to give him sponge baths so that Harry would not have to get out of bed.
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My friend Patrick called me at work on Tuesday to ask if the caregiver’s circle had decided what to do with Harry’s body between the time that he died and the time that they came to take him away. As far as I knew we hadn’t. Patrick had some experience in this area, so while he talked I scribbled down some notes about supplies and things to consider. Then I e-mailed the circle to say that I was willing to wash Harry’s body if it had not already been decided who would do that and I asked a bunch of questions about doctors, mortuaries, how would people be notified and did we plan to dress Harry and lay him out? The responses I got back said there was an informal assumption that when Harry died, the circle would be called, that we would probably lay him out for a short time and that I could probably be the one to immediately care for Harry’s body, but we could discuss that and the other questions at the circle meeting on the following Monday.
That day I began to re-read parts of The Pagan Book of Living and Dying by Starhawk, M. Macha Nightmare and the Reclaiming Collective. The story of “Bo’s Cremation” tells how a community came together after someone had died and how they did their own cremation. While we weren’t going to be doing Harry’s cremation ourselves, the story helped me get into the mindset of preparing a body. Donald Engstrom’s piece, “Aric Arthur Graf Dies (or Rickie Goes to Become an Ancestor)” is so beautifully written and so moving. Though I had read it several times before, I had to read it again because it is one of my favorite parts of the book.
Less than 48 hours after Patrick’s call, Joey called at 2:16 a.m. on Thursday morning to say that Harry had died peacefully in his sleep and asked if I wanted to come over. I had awoken from a deep sleep but my mind quickly kicked into action. For a brief moment I considered that the circle had not actually decided that I would prepare Harry’s body, but I also knew that I was the one who had put the most time into thinking about it, however brief that time was. I searched for my notes from my conversation with Patrick, but I had left them at work. I had planned to get a bag together with the things that I thought I would need and then over a couple of days, go through it to add or take out things, sort of like preparing for a trip. Well, there wasn’t time for that now. In 15 minutes I had the bag ready. I knew that I had packed many more things than I needed, but there wasn’t time to edit.
It usually takes 20 minutes for me to walk to Harry and John’s apartment. This time I stopped at the 24 hour Safeway to buy roses. I remember thinking that I didn’t need to rush, that what we were about to do needed to be done with intention. I also remembered Patrick’s saying that there was a window of only a few hours during which it would be easiest to dress someone after they died.
I got there a little after 3:00 a.m. A couple of people from the circle had arrived. I said hello and hugged everyone. I gave the roses to Jonathan Campbell and asked him to turn them into rose petals. Joey was on the phone calling the people that needed to be called, including Stuart who was preparing the press release. Jerry Lasley said that he had some experience in preparing a body and wanted to help; when his lover had died, he had washed his body before he was taken away, but he had not dressed him or laid him out as we were going to do. I said that I had never done this before, but that I had some ideas about how to proceed.
When someone very near and dear to us dies, we each have our unique way of dealing with our feelings. Some of us who are gay men have had more than enough experience in this area. What I know about myself is that I cannot predict how I will be when someone dies. Sometimes I am devastated and sometimes I am okay. This time I had things to do and a limited amount of time in which to do them, so whatever emotions I had in the moment about Harry dying, I was going to feel them and at the same time get to the task at hand.
We bathed Harry one last time. We took our time because I knew that Harry did not like to be rushed when he was being bathed. Then we anointed him with a combination of essential oils called Emerald Forest. Jerry gave him a manicure.
We dressed Harry in a dark periwinkle blue silk turtleneck and a long panné velvet skirt that I had made for him for his 90thbirthday party. On his feet we put some EG Smith tie-dyed socks that had been given to him by Eric Smith. We laid him out on his bed on top of a white cotton sheet.
When Harry and John were staying with Jerry Lasley in 1999, he had given Harry a turquoise neck pillow. Harry was so attached to that pillow that he used it whenever he was in bed, even during his many stays in the hospital, so we put the neck pillow around Harry’s neck.
Eric Slade had given Harry a tiara a few years ago when he was working on “Hope Along the Wind”, the film documentary about Harry’s life. Harry had wanted to wear the tiara to the opening of the film, but he didn’t have enough hair to pin the tiara to, so he asked me to sew a skullcap that would be a base upon which to attach the tiara. It was made according to his design; purple velvet with faux ermine trim.
Harry had always enjoyed having Eric Smith brush his hair, so before we put his skullcap and tiara on him, Eric brushed his hair and I braided it. We put Harry's favorite Egyptian necklace around his neck and pinned a rhinestone brooch to his shirt. We put Jonathan Campbell’s shoulder-duster rhinestone earring on his left ear. We lit some candles and spread some of the rose petals over Harry.
When Harry was dressed we had time to sit and talk with him and with each other. Markie did some sketches of Harry lying in state. I said that witches believe that when a person dies, sometimes they are confused because they don’t know what has happened, so it’s a good idea to tell them that they have died. John Burnside was holding Harry’s fairy wand, the one that makes a tinkling sound when you move it. John waved the wand over Harry and said, “Harry, dear, you have died. Now it is time to be off with you.”
Some of the caregivers went home to sleep. The apartment was quiet for a while, so we napped. After the sun came up, people started to arrive again. When anyone saw Harry laid out for the first time we gave them some rose petals to spread over him.
Later that morning, when the caregiver’s circle was together, we held hands in a circle around Harry. We said the names of the people who weren’t able to be there. We stood silently for a while, we chanted, we sang “Wearing Our Long Green Feathers As We Fly.” We told Harry that it was okay to leave, that we would take care of the work that needed to be done. Each of us had a chance to spread some more rose petals.
When the men from the mortuary came they were very professional and yet very sweet. One of them even blushed when I commented that his blue latex gloves matched his shirt. They explained everything that they were going to do and they agreed that Harry could be cremated the way he was dressed.
We removed the jewelry but left the neck pillow on and wrapped him in the sheet. Some of us followed Harry out of the house and held each other, crying while we watched them put him into the van and drive away.
Harry went to be cremated wearing silk and velvet, in a skirt and surrounded with rose petals, like the Duchess that he was.
Jack Davis is a member of the San Francisco Bay Area circle that came together in 1999 to take care of Harry Hay and John Burnside. After Harry's death on October 24th the circle continued to care for John until his recent death.
