Monday, August 9, 2010

Last night was another cornerstone in my ongoing saga for personal reawakening

Last nite I sat at the Sacramento Buddhist Mediation Group (SBMG), it meets in the Congregation B'nai Israel Synagogue. Last night they had a 20 minute (normally 40) but cut it short to have a sharing circle. The sitting had about 45 people, the circle had 30… I didn’t have to, nor did I want to share, this being my first time, I just needed to listen, to be quiet. I was deeply moved by the consultation, love and tolerance – age, gender, race. The way the group shared their ideas on the theme – detachment, was deeply moving to me. They are very, very simple, 3 hits on a bell, and silence…

Since coming out, and doing work with GLBT issues in the Baha’i community, I have hidden under a rock, under a mistaken belief that I could act as a isolated believer in a very hostile country. When they came after me anyway… it gave me great pause.  I dearly love Baha’u’llah, but his community is a mess, and well “by the fruits”.  

Since 1976 I have been told things like don’t judge the revelation by the community, now I wonder what is keeping things from moving, maybe it’s just a nice idea, but it doesn’t work. There really isn’t, after all these years, much at all to show for the effort, (ok some marginally nice gardens here and there) other than a lot of disillusioned former Baha’is and a some very arrogant “much a about do nothings”.  It remains a rather insignificant mean-spirited cult, at least as far as I have experienced it, and if it disappeared (as it has here in Sacramento) wouldn’t be noticed or missed at all.

I thought that by being open and out about my loss of rights something could happen.  Initially I received a lot of encouragement… but it has been counter balanced by the silence, the indifference, arrogance, bigotry and homophobia of the Baha’is themselves. There is so much dysfunction both in the straight Baha’i response, and within the GLBT Baha’is that it has become a real spiritual burden.  I can no longer deal with my anger, pain, the bigotry and the homophobia others have thrown at me.  I am just not strong enough.

I cannot do this alone like this any longer, and on a day to day community level, it’s just not enough to recharge my batteries.  The Baha’i Faith despite asking for a lot, have offered nothing for a very, very long time. It appears that I have been attached to some hope, some pie in the sky dream… and suddenly woke up.  I feel a little silly for having held on to it for so long.

Last nite showed me that I no longer need to do this any longer. I am in need of some community and nurturing, yet not a lot of odd rules or structure.  SBMG has been around for a couple of decades, and does not seem nutty or fanatical, or all “new agey”, or wrapped up in the “how to do it” which is also kind of nice as well. They seem like a diverse bunch of solid, nice people, who enjoy sitting in silence once a week in community.  They rather operate like a feast (but it works!) some news, someone takes a turn at leading the meditation / watching the clock, etc. there is no clergy. They  told the new folks and visitors about themselves briefly – that the tradition is not to approach people unless you invited them to (I did) that they do not want to get bogged down by bowing and stuff… and that they do invite people to come from a number of Buddhist traditions and communities to share technique and ideas.

After it was all over, and we were putting the pillows and chairs back, I approached the man who welcomed us and introduced the timekeeper, and we talked. He asked me if it was my first time with them “yes!” He asked me how I found out about Buddhism, and told him about being attracted to it for many years, and then when I was in Kathmandu living near Boudhanath Stupa I really was able to become quiet… he shared about his wife and his trips there… and we talked a bit about what we both saw and learned. It was very nice. For some odd reason I also added that I had been thrown out of the Baha’i community, and was searching for a quiet place to rid myself of my anger and hurt… He almost started to cry, put his hand on my arm, looked up at me and said, “You will find that you are most welcome here”.

I cried all the way home.


Not sure why I am sharing this, other than I feel I made a major break thru last nite, in so far as healing. And to say, that the Baha’is seem more and more irrelevant to me, and how sad I am about having to let go of it. 

I am going to return to this sangha. I recognize that I am really very damaged and reluctant to be around any organized religious expression.  But for me, and I can only say this works for me, there is something helpful about sitting in silence with 45 other people. I don’t know where this is taking me, but I need to rid myself of the toxic anger that is threatening to consume me re: Baha’i, my family, my work, and the general condition of the country before I move abroad… so who knows, for now I will focus on quieting the voices, and simplifying things a bit.

 

Maitreya Buddha protect us all!

22 comments:

  1. Beautiful post. If you find community with the Buddhists, that doesn't make you any less a Bahai. Go for it! I sense too, that in general there seems little interest in developing community among Bahais. There is far too much focus on administration as if this is the soul of community life.

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  2. for Bill...

    Oh Brother Daniel,

    I'm reaching out to you, embracing you, and thanking you from the bottom of my heart for all you have done over the past several years and above all for standing up and "taking one for the team"! You alone faced the Baha'i administration, looked them squarely in the eyes and said, "I am a creature of God, a lover of Baha'u'llah, and a gay man." "I've lived a lie for too many years and will no longer do it and I will not allow you as a religious body to keep me living this lie!" "I have a wonderful family who loves me, a loving, kind, understanding partner who loves me unconditionally and has stood by me as I have gone through this painful journey (thank you too dear Milton)..." The national administrative body of the Baha'is of the USA treated your honesty with the strongest censure they could do against you by removing your administrative rights within the Baha'i community, basically saying that you are not wanted in the Baha'i Faith. I don't know where the Baha'i Faith is headed but I do know that at this point any significant growth isn't happening anywhere in the community and hasn't been happening for sometime. A community that prides itself on Unity, Elimination of Prejudice, Harmony of Science and Religion, and yet continues to treat it's gay and lesbian members as a pariah in that community will long languish and struggle just to keep it's head above water.

    I'm sorry dear Daniel that more of the gay and lesbian Baha'is out there such as myself haven't done more! I think that we all are so hurt, numb, angry, and saddened to the core, that any type of activity regarding the Faith, even standing up to the powers that be as you did, is simply too hard. You know and I know and the Universal House of Justice knows that Baha'u'llah loves you, embraces you, and accepts you exactly as you are. Keep Him in your heart always. Explore Buddhism. A religion filled with love, peace, light, and non-judgemental. I myself have been invited to a Buddhist meeting this coming Saturday. I'm looking forward to it. It's been organized by the gay and lesbian Buddhist Association of Las Vegas. They even have a Buddhist choir made of mostly gay and lesbian members. To attend a spiritual meeting where I will be welcomed with open arms as an equal will be very refreshing.

    Take care dear soul.
    Much love,
    Bill

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  3. Daniel,

    Thanks for your sharing, honesty, and true love for Baha'u''llah. My gay supporting Baha'i family send you our love. My Baha'i parents did exactly what you did , search out Buddhism for a spiritual community that is not bogged down with Administration and Homophobia, the meditation found in Buddhism is lacking in the Baha'i Faith, we are too busy looking for converts and raising money for the past decade for a temple in Chile that has yet to come about. I wish to find a Buddhist community in Palm Springs that resembles what you found. There is SGI out here, but that resembles the Baha'i Faith (gay accepting however), and I am just too burned on anything that is too Administrative Heavy right now. I always look forward to your updates.

    love your Gay Baha'i Brother,

    Sean

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  4. Just wanted to add my voice to congratulate you at what sounds like a very healthy breakthrough. Watching from a distance and keeping current with your quest for acceptance has been fascinating, frequently challenging my personal feelings and beliefs. As a gay man and a Baha'i I understand your situation. But I have felt a degree of frustration as I watch you and others of similar mind doing a very modern American thing. You are using global communication technology (brilliantly) to rally Baha'is toward fairly extensive shifts in thought. It’s a bit like a political movement. Dissatisfied, disenfranchised, and sometimes just plain confused Baha’is are drawn into a world of websites with a broad diversity of viewpoints frequently united only by opposition to the existing state of The Faith. Your voice stands out among the others because of course you are gifted with intelligence and driven by a kind of self righteous anger that carries considerable emotional and intellectual force. I have wondered how far this would go and wondered whether it was a positive evolutionary movement for change, or something less worthy of praise.

    Personally I have come to the conclusion (for myself) that I don’t want to engage in a political movement to change The Faith. It just feels wrong. It subverts my deepest feelings about the very nature of truth and religion. I don’t want to make The Faith over in my own philosophical image. It is what it is and will evolve in its own way. I am perfectly willing to concede my own inadequacy to the quest for perfection Baha’I values advocate. I prefer acceptance to struggle, especially a political struggle in a religious context. So rather than making demands that the Baha’is accept me (gay, many flawed) I have tried to take responsibility for my own acceptance. A flawed human being can have a very nice relationship with any good religion, even The Baha’I Faith, but if you demand that it change to meet you on your own terms, then there is nothing available but frustration and unhappiness.

    So when I read that you are feeling a need to let it all go, that sounds good to me. Bravo to you. The essence and values of the Baha’i Faith will continue all your life to influence and inform your thoughts and actions regardless of your relationship with the administrative order. Whether you (and I) adjust to The Faith with acceptance or gnashing of teeth the fact will always remain that we have been profoundly transformed by Baha’u’llah and it is impossible to ignore that connection. We just have to find a way to live good and full lives above and beyond our unusual and frequently frustrating status.

    from a friend

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  5. Just wanted to add my voice to congratulate you at what sounds like a very healthy breakthrough. Watching from a distance and keeping current with your quest for acceptance has been fascinating, frequently challenging my personal feelings and beliefs. As a gay man and a Baha'i I understand your situation. But I have felt a degree of frustration as I watch you and others of similar mind doing a very modern American thing. You are using global communication technology (brilliantly) to rally Baha'is toward fairly extensive shifts in thought. It’s a bit like a political movement. Dissatisfied, disenfranchised, and sometimes just plain confused Baha’is are drawn into a world of websites with a broad diversity of viewpoints frequently united only by opposition to the existing state of The Faith. Your voice stands out among the others because of course you are gifted with intelligence and driven by a kind of self righteous anger that carries considerable emotional and intellectual force. I have wondered how far this would go and wondered whether it was a positive evolutionary movement for change, or something less worthy of praise.

    from a friend

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  6. At the risk of understatement, the outcomes of both your and S’s situation were/are very disappointing to me. The world is full of organizations that fail to clearly identify and prioritize the critical issues that will make things better (and consequently work very hard on the wrong things) (see the movie “Idiocracy” for the direction this takes us!)

    I’ve just decided to cut my losses, look out for number one and move on from unfulfilling situations. OTOH, I didn’t spend two years in Guate. Sure glad running is working out: blow off stress, listen to music, check out the spandex, check my time and heart rate, take a shower and drink a bottle of Gatorade. Wish I’d found it earlier.

    another amigo

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  7. No, I am not about to sing that Elton John song, but just to say you know we all support you here — those of us who have packed up and left the Bahai tent and those who remain to do their very best for the faith they love.

    You are making the right choice. You can only do so much and get beaten down so much. Let's face it, the Bahais who run the community want Bahai homosexuals to either (a) live a lie or (b) leave the faith so as not to soil the pristine beauty of the religion's oh so sacred public reputation. Your struggle is so much more fundamental than my struggle was. You gave it your very best and you have made an important contribution to the struggle within the Bahai community. And now it is time to find peace and heal from those Bahai wounds.

    All I can say is that when I made the decision to withdraw it did make me terribly sad and it took several years to work through some aspects of leaving Bahai, but it was also incredibly liberating and it has freed me to look at Bahai with less anger and more compassion. I actually can see the positive aspects of Bahai, seen in the lives of individual believers much more than in anything the community does. And I remain inspired by those Bahais who take Baha'u'llah and Abdu'l-Baha seriously and try to follow in their footsteps, and that includes every one of our Bahai brothers and sisters on the shukhi list. As for the homophobes and fundies, the power mongers and truimphalists, well, they aren't going away soon, in Bahai or any other religion. The best we can do is find ways to live our lives in a way that makes a difference to those around us and, if possible, those in the wider world. You are a man of heart and vision and action and you change the world for the better every day you wake up engage in tikkun. So, in those beautiful words of the Buddha, now go out there and work out your own salvation!

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  9. That really was a beautiful experience with the Buddhist group, and I hope you have more of them. You should follow the spirit and attend the gatherings that you are most comfortable with. All of us have been hurt by the Baha'i community, and so we can all relate intimately to your feelings of loss and rejection and futility.
    Much love to you, my brother. I hope that this SBMG group will advance the healing that has already started.

    Warmest, T

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  10. Beautiful story, Dan, and your saga is one of strength. Don't let anything deter the quest for peace.

    Had a lovely visit with D and J last weekend. He seems to have found a sense of peace with the horrible complexity of our dilemma through his total withdrawal from the "system" and no longer trying to claim a place at the table. I think we're all kinda there with him, but I do think it is good to remind the "believers" from time to time what they have done, and who they are missing.

    Bravo, my beloved friend!

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  11. I am of the opinion that all persons have a right to be happy and belong in a group or community that provides them loving support. From what I read of your e-mail, the Sacramento Buddhist Meditation Group sounds like it fits that bill.

    The fact is -- and I have said this before -- the Baha'i Faith and many Baha'is (with some few exceptions) have repeatedly failed you. You should have no qualms about leaving them behind. It has been my unhappy fate to watch the Baha'i Faith and its adherents become steadily less successful, less progressive, less effective, and less relevant. The religion of which I have been a member for nearly 50 years stands virtually no chance of attaining its mission of unifying mankind. To my dismay, it is grown increasingly intolerant and sclerotic. I remain in the ranks only because of Baha'u'llah. I suspect I am far from alone in this awkward position.

    I wish I had some words that could soothe the pain and make things better. It galls me that a religion for which I have so much regard should fail so abysmally on what should be such a simple, basic issue. I am at a loss to explain this; it makes no sense to me. We have gone so very badly off the rails in terms of accepting and honoring GLBT issues and concerns that I don't think we can ever recover on what should be an obvious and crucial issue of human dignity.

    Baha'is delude themselves by thinking their spiritual path is more relevant, effective, timely, and suited to the world. No one -- no one -- has a monopoly on religious truth. If the SBMG is the group who meets those needs in you, then that's where you belong, and their gain is our loss. I shall miss you and your wit and your courage, but I take comfort in the fact that you have the prospect of peace. In the end, that counts for everything. Take care, and lead the life you want to lead.

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  12. I am of the opinion that all persons have a right to be happy and belong in a group or community that provides them loving support. From what I read of your e-mail, the Sacramento Buddhist Meditation Group sounds like it fits that bill. The fact is -- and I have said this before -- the Baha'i Faith and many Baha'is (with some few exceptions) have repeatedly failed you. You should have no qualms about leaving them behind. It has been my unhappy fate to watch the Baha'i Faith and its adherents become steadily less successful, less progressive, less effective, and less relevant. The religion of which I have been a member for nearly 50 years stands virtually no chance of attaining its mission of unifying mankind. To my dismay, it is grown increasingly intolerant and sclerotic. I remain in the ranks only because of Baha'u'llah. I suspect I am far from alone in this awkward position. I wish I had some words that could soothe the pain and make things better. It galls me that a religion for which I have so much regard should fail so abysmally on what should be such a simple, basic issue. I am at a loss to explain this; it makes no sense to me. We have gone so very badly off the rails in terms of accepting and honoring GLBT issues and concerns that I don't think we can ever recover on what should be an obvious and crucial issue of human dignity. Baha'is delude themselves by thinking their spiritual path is more relevant, effective, timely, and suited to the world. No one -- no one -- has a monopoly on religious truth. If the SBMG is the group who meets those needs in you, then that's where you belong, and their gain is our loss. I shall miss you and your wit and your courage, but I take comfort in the fact that you have the prospect of peace. In the end, that counts for everything. Take care, and lead the life you want to lead.

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  13. from BB who was having difficulty i postign to revoked:


    I wish I had some words that could soothe the pain and make things better. It galls me that a religion for which I have so much regard should fail so abysmally on what should be such a simple, basic issue. I am at a loss to explain this; it makes no sense to me. We have gone so very badly off the rails in terms of accepting and honoring GLBT issues and concerns that I don't think we can ever recover on what should be an obvious and crucial issue of human dignity.

    Baha'is delude themselves by thinking their spiritual path is more relevant, effective, timely, and suited to the world. No one -- no one -- has a monopoly on religious truth. If the SBMG is the group who meets those needs in you, then that's where you belong, and their gain is our loss. I shall miss you and your wit and your courage, but I take comfort in the fact that you have the prospect of peace. In the end, that counts for everything. Take care, and lead the life you want to lead.

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  14. this is the missing first 1/2 too BB's message above:

    I am of the opinion that all persons have a right to be happy and belong in a group or community that provides them loving support. From what I read of your e-mail, the Sacramento Buddhist Meditation Group sounds like it fits that bill.

    The fact is -- and I have said this before -- the Baha'i Faith and many Baha'is (with some few exceptions) have repeatedly failed you. You should have no qualms about leaving them behind. It has been my unhappy fate to watch the Baha'i Faith and its adherents become steadily less successful, less progressive, less effective, and less relevant. The religion of which I have been a member for nearly 50 years stands virtually no chance of attaining its mission of unifying mankind. To my dismay, it is grown increasingly intolerant and sclerotic. I remain in the ranks only because of Baha'u'llah. I suspect I am far from alone in this awkward position.

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  15. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_7bwqTY0fCw

    In the above video, two interfaith practitioners, Brother David Steindl-Rast and Father Thomas Keating discuss the tension between the need of religious institutions to preserve tradition, and the need of the community for charismatic spiritual leadership, meaning, and innovation.

    It is very difficult for me to imagine anyone in a position of similar bahai "status" making jokes (without being AFRAID of the bahai thought police) about how bahai administration is run by "political" types that lack real spiritual authenticity, and have less respect for people's search for truth than dead organization. They forget their own religion.

    So, this is how it ends. Peace becomes fear. The people (haifan bahai administration) that place themselves between humanity and Spirit are a great danger to everyone, especially when they fall into the trap of thinking that their ideas are the "one truth above all".

    Daniel, you are too good for the evil people in bahai administration, they do not deserve to keep you as a punching bag any longer. Be free, be love, be one with the hurt so that you can heal and transcend the pain you took on while following a dream that was stolen by people that worship shadows of shadows of real light and spirit, shadows turned to lies and deception.

    They only know ignorance and fear to be as fully human as you are. They will move on to a new scapegoat.

    You win because you still genuinely care about people, and they don't.

    You win because you tell the truth, and they can only lie all the more.

    Hope to see you soon!

    (fubar)

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  16. Hi Daniel good luck on your journey. Sometimes it's good to just let go and think of oneself for a change. I sometimes think of it myself, but then I read some right-wing conservative Bahai speak as if they are Bahaullah incarnate, and well...I can't let go. And I won't. They will not decide who is and is not a Bahai. It is not their's to decide. This isn't about a political game, about creating a rift in the Faith or getting what we want- it is simply about JUSTICE- the most important thing in God's eyes. It is about making the Bahai community a reflection of Abdul-Baha- what it was supposed to be. Not a place where vested career politicians (those in the AO who have "served" for decades) can appease those who continue to pay their salaries. Oh well. Good luck again and know Bahai, Bhuddist, Christian, atheist or whatever.. we are all in this journey together. Peace!

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  17. This is an interesting time. We ("the Bahais" - including polite ones and mean ones...) seem to be losing - doing little good, failing to increase happiness and justice, often achieving the exact opposite for patently stupid reasons.
    Let's hope we are just going through a phase - fortunately, I understand Baha'u'llah's message to say that all religions are paths to God - there are subsequent ideas in later writings that might make us think we should be fundamentalists, but no - a Bahai with good, spiritual Buddhists (or Christians, or atheists, or whatever) is just as good as a Bahai in a regular Bahai community - period! Please pray for us nuts while meditating with these good people! Amado (sorry - I'll be "anonymous" because I don't understand how it works!)

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  18. Hi Daniel -

    I just read your statement re the Sacramento Buddhist meditation group, and I have such an odd feeling - a mixture of happiness for you, that you have found a spiritual home where you feel welcome and safe, and a feeling of sadness that the Baha'i community has lost you - of course they deserved to, nevertheless it saddens me.

    I would leave as well, if I thought I could, but I'm not sure I can do that again - I left once before, and I found that although I can let go of the Faith, it doesn't seem to let go of me - I'm a Baha'i in my heart, whether in or out. But since I cannot seem to be active in the community - I am not strong enough to do so, I'm not sure there's any wisdom whatsoever in my staying in. I love the Baha'is, despite all their faults - I sometimes think of that dream that a believer had, and asked Abdu'l-Baha the meaning of - it was of people all crippled and hobbled and barely getting along...finally, after the believer persisted in asking the meaning of this, Abdu'l-Baha rather reluctantly said something like, "oh, those are my followers - they were the best I could do." Something like that - I probably haven't told the story very well.

    Best wishes and love to you, and to Milton - I wish I could wipe away the pain, but it doesn't work like that, does it?

    Love,

    Barb

    Anyway - I am both happy for you and sad for the community

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  19. Thanks Barb... they lost me a long time ago, by their secretive weird hostile exclusionary practices. I hung on as long as I could. I came to the realization that I need to be around people that are nurturing, kind, sincere, healthy and doing something positive with their lives. I came to a realization that being alone in my spiritual practice wasn't much good for me or anybody else... all my best!

    D

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  20. Daniel, this story touches me so deeply. Baha'ullah himself said not to associate with "those whose words differ from their deeds." I originally stumbled upon the Baha'i Faith because I was not finding those whose words matched their deeds in my family faith, and found them at the Baha'i center. Still do. I hope that right minded Baha'is eventually are in the majority, and I hope you can stay connected to those whose deeds match their words, of any faith.

    On a tangent (though in a sense not), I have found that many Baha'is of an Abrahamic background to be dismissive of Buddha's great gift of meditation. Before I became a Baha'i, I fell in love with SN Goenka's Vipassana meditation courses, but was skeptical when they said it was Buddha's original meditation method...then was amazed that other types of Buddhists could say so casually and positively, "Oh yes, that is the original method taught by the Buddha!" Meanwhile, there is so much more infighting among adherents of Abrahamic religions...the relationships between Judaism, Christianity and Islam make the Baha'i Faith look good.

    I feel that any Baha'i should experience a similar taste of the Dharmic branch of God's tree. I feel strongly that there's a reason the Dharmic cultures didn't "need" another visit from a manifestation while the Abrahamic people still ran through Jesus and Mohammed...Buddhism was a great gift which endured in so many ways.

    Best of luck on your journey and may all beings be happy.

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  21. thank you Brilliant... you live up to the name!

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