The
past couple of weeks, I've been having many difficult emotions coming
to the surface. They have been repressed for years, only surfacing at
times. I did not know where they were coming from and in the past, the
only way I would deal with them was through drinking, so that I could
temporarily escape them. I have been angry. I have been having a hard
time sleeping. I have indigestion. I have a lot on my mind. I have much
to say, but I don't know quite how to say it, but I will try anyway.
Please listen to me, even if it is hard to hear, even if you want to
turn away, because maybe it will save you before it is too late. So here
it goes:
Evangelicalism, you have traumatized me.
I grew
up in your faith and culture. You appeared to represent God the best.
You spoke about God's unconditional love for us. You claimed that you
did so many good things in our world. Your gospel promised to give
us eternal life, and make things all shiny and new, little by little.
You would improve families and communities. Churches would grow,
producing beautiful praise and worship songs. Your children would be
safe, saying the sinner's prayer at VBS and rededicating themselves at
Bible camp every summer. But, what did your gospel look like for me?
I
grew up in your Church as a gay child. What was preached to me from
your pulpit? You told me that I was an abomination, a wicked and deviant
homosexual. No, you did not know that you were speaking to me, but I
heard you loud and clear. Yes, you did offer me a solution to be
acceptable to God, but what did that solution look like? It looked like
this: I could invite Jesus into my life (this was the easy part) and I
could turn from my sins. As a gay person, that meant that I could in no
way identify with being gay. Sure, I could admit to "same sex
attraction" as a struggle, with tears, but I could not claim that as
part of my identity. You told me that I would have to either force
myself into marrying the opposite sex, after much counseling (which has
never been proven to work) if I wanted to find companionship. If I did
not want that option, then I was to remain companionless for the rest of
my life. This was my cross to bear.
When you gave me my cross
to bear, you did it so nonchalantly- "This is your thorn in your flesh.
We all have our own struggles with sin. You can do this. God will be
there for you and so will we. We will be by your side, fulfilling your
need for companionship. Now, cheer up and put a smile on your face and
go on and serve the Lord with joy and gladness!" So while the rest of
those in your Church had the hope of finding love, forming a family, and
finding a lifetime of companionship, we did not have that hope. In
fact, those desires in themselves were evil for us, if not imagined with
the opposite sex.
So with that, you stripped away our hope for a
future. Sure, many of us did it for a season, just as many of your
straight members will remain single for a season. But, as spring turned
to summer, and summer turned to fall, and the last of the leaves had
fallen, what we were left with was a chilly isolation. You see, college
friends are great! They have free time to hang out, partially filling
that need for companionship. But, as our friends start to marry and have
families of their own, they didn't have as much time for us. And that's
ok. That's normal. They should be spending time with their families.
But, what happens to us? What happens to us as we grow sick and old? Who
will stay beside us, day after day, hour after hour, sleepless night
after sleepless night as we lay in our sickbed, and eventually our
deathbed? Who will hold our hand, kiss our face, sing to us, share sweet
memories with us, and calm our fears? Will you do that?
Evangelicalism, you have traumatized us.
You
see, when a tragic disease hit our community, you did not lift a
finger. That is what you do, you tie up heavy burdens, but you will not
lift a damn finger to help. Instead, you would swiftly lift up your
finger with ease to point and judge. This is what you said, "God is
judging them, and they have received within themselves their due penalty
for their sin." You would also wield your power to lobby and to keep
the government from helping us, when we needed it the most, leaving our
sick, hurting, and dying community to fend for itself. Where were you
during this time to show the love and mercy of God to our community? You
were to busy being righteous, I guess. You did not want to be made
unclean by us. And so, many of us would die, separated from Church and
family.
Evangelicalism, sadly it becomes much worse. You would
drive us to depression- driven by shame, to addiction- driven by
hopelessness, to depression, driven to suicide- by despair. You ignored
the transgender community as well, as around 41% of them would attempt
suicide, trying to escape the pain of a strict binary that didn't fit
their reality. You told them that they were confused and a threat to
your Church and society. You told them that God and the Church could in
no way accept them unless they fit a mold that you had formed for them,
while ignoring the pain and trauma that your brothers and sisters must
endure to force themselves to comply with that mold. Your queer children
would be kicked out of their homes and bullied at school. Still you
weren't there. You were too busy singing beautiful, empty songs of lip
service to your god.
Evangelicalism, you have traumatized all of us.
You
have given us a Janus-faced god- a god of love, and a god of endless
wrath. If we get him right and if we say the right prayer, and if we
repent enough, he will clothe our wretched selves with his own
righteousness so that he can stand to look upon us. But if we don't get
it right, it will be eternal wrath, with fire and brimstone, where we
will suffer and scream out in terror for all eternity with no relief.
ISIS would be more gentle and merciful than your god. You would use fear
to convert your kids to this god who loves them so much, if they will
just let him in. You would also give us a purity culture, where your
girls were only valuable if they made it up to the altar as pure,
spotless brides (even better if they saved their first kiss for that
altar). Your women would feel like worthless rags with one slip-up,
while your men would be excused and easily forgiven. You would forever
make us wonder if we were ever worthy enough. You would tell us that
Christ is our righteousness, but boy, we had better be doing our part.
We would always wonder if God really loved us, even while we told the
world that God really loved them.
Evangelicalism, you have made
your people defend a book, but not the marginalized in front of them.
You have blinded them with your judgements. You have made them so hungry
for power, that they want nothing to do with the powerless. You have
turned them into the oppressors. You have made it all about the next
life, while ignoring this one. Your people pray, sing, maintain their
holiness, but what they don't see is that this is turning them into
white-washed tombs. They don't realize that righteousness is justice.
Holiness is defending the powerless and taking care of the least of
these. You have made it all about themselves.
You still have some
honest, good people within your religion, but you must release them
from your bondage. You must give them the freedom to be messy, to
question, to love, to do justice, to give mercy, to be kind and gentle.
You must step aside and let them see Jesus, and to be Jesus.
Evangelicalism,
you have traumatized us enough. Maybe you are the one who is
traumatized. It is time to examine your fruit. It is time to heal, so
that you may bring healing.
"By their fruit you will recognize them. Do people pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? Likewise, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them."
-Matthew 7:16-20, NIV
"Love does no harm to a neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law."
-Romans 13:10, NIV
"Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."
-Matthew 22:37-40, NIV