Why I Cannot Give Up...

Photo by Daniel Orey, taken in January 2009, all rights reserved

It may not make much sense to some folks, but despite the abuse, shunning and dishonesty by Bahá’ís and their Institutions, I still love this religion so. Well less the religion at the moment, and more Bahá'u'lláh.

I have been tempted at times to shove it aside, pack it in but then I remember a few things (insert music from the Sound of Music) - these ARE a few of my favorite things:

1. The summer I decided to become a Bahá’í. 1976. I had attended firesides at Oregon State for a year, and decided after being harassed by my parents that I would get a job in the forest service. I sent in a form, with no request for any certain District other than it couldn’t have poison oak… they assigned me to a ranger district called UNITY. The ranger station had a very tall fire lookout tower in the middle of the compound and after work, and dinner I would often climb up there with a book and my journal, and watch the sunset… On July 9th, to be exact, I remember reading the Tablet to the People, shutting the book and saying my first request for a sign. Right then the clouds moved just a hair, and the sunset with rays of bright light bathing the compound in color. No one can take that moment away from me.
   
2. Countless, magical moments in Guatemala that no one will ever take away from me
   
3. The work with the Gay Bahá’í Fellowship until we were asked to disband by the House of Justice. Where I met, and remain in contact with some really great folks. And finally
4. This last January, while giving a talk and doing research with a colleague at the Technion in Haifa, I spent a little bit of every day in Bahji. The whole time there I was meditating on what to do about being a Bahá’í. Should I continue, should I walk away… I sensed very deeply that after being very open about getting married to Milton, that the shoe would eventually drop. The second to last visit, was during a very rainy day, and the tourists were no where to be seen, I spent almost an hour by myself in the Shrine of Bahá’ulláh. Folks who know me well, know that I am about as close to having ADD as it comes, sitting still for 10 minutes is impossible, meditating is well, I’d rather work in the yard (which is where I feel the spirit anyway). Sitting there, in the Holiest room on the planet, a pounding rainstorm going on outside, by myself, allowed me to focus, and feel a true sense of unconditional love, a feeling that all this silliness is worth it. I felt encouraged, and a deep sense of responsibility to continue to do what little I can for GBLT's.I kept thinking about how early on, people would travel there on foot for months at a time, just to see Bahá’ulláh wave a handkerchief from the window of his prison cell. Others came to sit with Him briefly when he was allowed to live in Bahji and were sent out to sure martyrdom… Interestingly enough, I learned while living in New Mexico, that a rain shower during a prayer is considered a blessing and confirmation.
   

Our well-meaning, albeit extremely mistaken leadership offered to pray for me while removing my administrative rights - homophobic, bigoted, and crazy making, but no doubt sincere to them. What they have done now in their prayerful supplications on my behalf is unleash a sense of liberty, freedom and love for the Blessed Beauty in me now that cannot be described. I am free to share what is really on my mind… without fear or shame. Maybe I should be grateful.

Message for the dishonest folks:@ the Nat'l Center: You have nothing to fear from me, not to worry. I am merely worried for open-minded GLBT and freinds who encounter the Faith and the current outmoded, homophobic, bigoted and backward view on homosexuality that YOU enforce. I worry about the lack of interest in addressing the issues we raised in our letter in 1993.

In closing I ask only what is better, a gay Bahá’í or gay non-Bahá’í?Dearest NSA of the USA, your letter to me proclaims to every GLBT, their friends and family, the later, I declare it is the former that you should strive for...

Blessed be.