Fr. Peter Daly
|
May. 5, 2014
Parish Diary
This is the second in a series of columns written in response
to Pope Francis' call for input from the faithful in preparation for
the Synod of Bishops on the family set for October. The first column dealt with the annulment process.
Pope Francis has asked our bishops to report to Rome on what is
actually happening in the parishes in regard to marriage and family
life. Among
the many topics to be discussed are "same-sex unions between persons who are, not infrequently, permitted to adopt children."
I think that our parish is a fairly typical middle-class, mostly
white, English-speaking, American parish. I also think it would be fair
to say that our approach to same-sex couples, including marriage and
adoption, is evolving. One might characterize our approach as public
silence and private acceptance.
In public, we are silent about the fact that some of our fellow
parishioners are gay, even though some people are aware of their
relationships.
In private, we are accepting their relationships so long as we don't have to acknowledge them.
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Such a
modus vivendi is not really an ethical resolution to the question. In fact, it is merely a strategy for avoidance.
There seem to be two great divides in my parish over issues facing
lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people. One divide is
generational. The other divide is personal.
The generational divide is the most obvious and clear-cut, but not
absolute. Older people are less accepting of LGBT relationships. Younger
people see no problem. In fact, younger people often think the church
should move beyond mere acceptance to affirmation. The dividing line
seems to be about age 50.
This generational divide is radical and serious. For some young
people, it determines whether or not they will remain Catholics. One
young man left our church over the issue. As the older Catholics die
off, the church will find very little acceptance of its current negative
position on gay relationships. We will find ourselves culturally
marginalized in countries like the United States.
The personal divide is more subtle and harder to quantify. People who
know someone in their family or circle of friends who is publicly gay
are much more accepting of LGBT people than people who claim they don't
know anyone who is gay. Of course, the fact is, everyone actually
does know someone who is gay. They just know that their friend or family member is gay but does not admit it.
Personal experience is important. More and more people are coming out
as gay. More and more people will have to accept their relationships.
Our younger people nearly always know someone who is out as gay and find
it very easy to accept. This is a sea change from a generation ago.
More and more gay relationships are being discussed, even in a
conservative community like ours. In the past few years, at least a
dozen parents have come to me to tell me that their children are gay.
They are supportive of their children. They want to know how I will
respond. I always encourage them to accept and love their child.
Two of my friends who go to other parishes left the Catholic church
when their children came out. They simply could not accept a church that
judged their children to be "intrinsically disordered." If someone is
put in the position of choosing between his or her child and the church,
they will obviously and quite rightly choose their child.
The hyperbolic and harsh language of the church will have to change. It is not accurate, and it is not charitable.
Our purpose as a Christian church is to remain faithful to the
teaching of Jesus Christ. It is significant that Jesus had nothing to
say about gay relationships. If homosexuality had been important to
Jesus, he would have said something about it. After all, he told us his
views on divorce and adultery and many other ethical issues. But Jesus
said nothing about it. Maybe it was not important to him.
Clearly, the most important thing to Jesus was love. The night before
he died, he said to his disciples, "I give you a new commandment, love
one another" (John 13:34). Love is the key and the measure of his
followers. So long as gay relationships are truly loving and committed, I
cannot see how they are intrinsically disordered.
So how do we respond to people in same-sex relationships in our parish?
First, I try to see the whole person.
This is what Pope Francis said he tries to do when
he spoke with the Jesuit magazine La Civiltá Cattolica. He
tries to see the "whole person" because people cannot be reduced to
just one aspect of their lives. Certainly, no one is defined only by
their sins. As the pope said, "If they accept the Lord and have good
will, who am I to judge them?"
Seeing the whole person has practical consequences in pastoral life.
Our parish motto is "All Are Welcome." We really mean it. That
includes LGBT people, too. We welcome them to the Eucharist if they are
Catholics. We baptize their children. We register the children in our
activities and programs, just like any child. Welcome means welcome.
I am not the bedroom police. I do not quiz people on their private
lives. I do not know who is sleeping with a boyfriend or girlfriend. I
do not know who is cheating on a spouse. But one thing I know for sure:
One hundred percent of the people who come to Communion at every Mass in
the history of the world are sinners; redeemed sinners.
In a conservative parish like mine, the presence of LGBT people is
not generally a big issue, but it does exist. We have a few same-sex
couples in our parish. At least two couples have been married civilly.
They live quietly, devoutly and humbly.
Maryland legalized gay marriage a little over a year ago. So far, it
has not caused even so much as ripple in our parish. It simply does not
affect us. Sacramental heterosexual marriages are not threatened by the
civil law's recognition of gay marriage. We are much more threatened by
no-fault divorce, which came into the law 50 years ago.
It is my view that we should get out of the civil aspects of marriage
altogether, just as they do in France and Mexico and many other
countries. People who want to be married in the eyes of the law should
go to the courthouse. People who want to be married in the eyes of the
church should come to us. Church and state should be free to have their
own definitions.
Welcoming gay parishioners does have some limits. We do not perform
gay marriages. We teach only about sacramental marriage in our religious
education classes. We do not host wedding receptions for same-sex
weddings.
(Our parish avoids this conflict by limiting our wedding receptions
to weddings that take place in our parish church. We are not a hiring
hall for weddings.)
Recently, I was asked to bless the home of a gay couple. Judging from
the crucifixes and holy pictures, they have a very traditional piety.
Apart from the fact that they are gay, it was a pretty Ozzie-and-Harriet
relationship.
In the United States, gay marriage is now legal in 17 states and the
District of Columbia. As a legal issue, I think the debate is all over
but the shouting. There will still be serious disagreements within
society, of course. There will even be disagreements within families.
Just look at
the recent smack down between the Cheney sisters over gay marriage.
Civil society will still have to work out a new
modus vivendi
on such things as open housing, the wording of school textbooks, legal
adoption policies, fringe benefits for spouses, and access to government
programs. Even the church will have to adjust. Religious liberty, like
all of the rights in the Bill of Rights, is a qualified right, not an
absolute right.
But I don't think the sacramental definition of marriage as taught by
the church will change. We will still limit marriage to one man and one
woman.
It seems to me that so long as we are free to celebrate our weddings
in our own way and live our understanding, we should not be threatened
by same-sex marriages. Indeed, we may come to see them for what they
really are: a rather conservative movement that pushes the gay community
toward sexual restraint and stability. It may cut down on overall
promiscuity in society. Surely, that is a good thing.
I have to say frankly that I have changed my view over the past 20
years. Like vice presidents Dick Cheney and Joe Biden, I am evolving.
Perhaps the Catholic church should evolve, too.
When gay marriage passed by referendum in Maryland, our local bishops
were notably quiet. Perhaps it was because it passed by a vote of the
people and not by a court decision or legislative action. Maybe our
bishops are evolving, too.
Most of my parishioners are military or civil servants. They vote
Republican. One man, who identifies himself as a tea party Republican,
told me that the son of a friend came out to him.
"What did you say to him?" I asked.
"I told him it was OK to be gay. Just don't become a Democrat."
For more than 40 years, the language of the magisterium said that all
same-sex acts are "intrinsically disordered" and may never be approved
in any way. But that certainly is not my experience as a pastor of
souls.
Almost a decade ago, I got to know a gay couple in our parish. They
had been together 35 years. Both are dead now. Joe was a retired school
teacher. George was a retired architect.
When the George was dying of cancer, Richard came to see me to ask if
I would anoint his friend. Once at their house, I realized they were a
couple. Richard was nursing George through his final illness. He had
also helped George's parents.
After George died, Richard came into the parish office to plan the
funeral. The rest of the family refused to come, but they did telephone
to say, "We don't want it mentioned that our brother was gay and we
don't want that man mentioned."
At the funeral, I began the homily by saying, "I want to thank
Richard for being such a great friend to George over more than 35 years.
Your relationship was the defining relationship of his life and a real
sign of love and friendship."
Richard was grateful. For the first time in 35 years, he started
coming back to the church. Three years later, it was Richard who was
dying of cancer. I went to see him in the hospital in Delaware. I
anointed him and gave him Communion. He asked me to say his funeral
Mass, just as I had done for his partner.
Since neither of them was buried in our parish cemetery, I put up a
plaque for them on our wall of remembrance, as is our custom. On the
plaque, I quoted Sirach 6:14: "A faithful friend is a sturdy shelter, he
who finds one finds a treasure."
Their relationship was not perfect, but it was certainly not intrinsically disordered.
[Fr. Peter Daly is a priest in the archdiocese of Washington, D.C.,
and has been pastor of St. John Vianney parish in Prince Frederick, Md.,
since 1994.]
