A personal blog by a graying (mostly Anglo with light African-American roots) gay left leaning liberal progressive married college-educated Buddhist Baha'i BBC/NPR-listening Professor Emeritus now following the Dharma in Minas Gerais, Brasil.
It’s no secret that we’re quick to blame others. Even at a young age, children will readily claim, “He did it first!” or, “It wasn’t my fault!” before they even fully understand the implications of their accusations.
This innate self-defense breaks down pretty quickly when we remember the Buddhist truth of interdependence. We see that in blaming others, we forget our own responsibility, and we overlook the causes and conditions that resulted in the offending actions or incidents. Compassion awakens and we see that blame is misguided and unskillful.
This week’s Three Teachings works at uprooting that impulse to blame by encouraging empathy and offering the foundations to go beyond ingrained thought patterns and relationships.
Listening to a Bruce Springsteen interview where “the Boss” reflects on his own parents, psychiatrist and author Mark Epstein takes to heart the capacity we all have for empathy, and to let go of what doesn’t serve us. We can all move beyond what psychoanalyst Jessica Benjamin calls the framework of “doer and and done to.”
In a series offering commentary on Atisha’s 59 mind-training (Tib. lojong) slogans, Buddhist teacher Judy Lief explains a practice for uprooting our automatic blaming of others. The teaching doesn’t encourage us to blame ourselves for everything, but to recognize how quickly and how often we immediately cast blame.
Citing a practice by Thai Forest teacher Ajahn Sucitto to recite the phrase “Oh, just like me” when someone behaves in a way we find unacceptable, meditation teachers Christina Feldman and Chris Cullen call upon our shared vulnerability.
However the seed is planted, in that way the fruit is gathered. Good things come from doing good deeds; bad things come from doing bad deeds. (SN 11.10) What is the purpose of a mirror? For the purpose of reflection. So too mental action is to be done with repeated reflection. (MN 61)
When you have done an action with the mind, reflect on that same mental action thus: “Was this action I have done with the mind an unhealthy bodily action with painful consequences and painful results?” If, on reflection, you know that it was, then tell someone you trust about it and undertake a commitment not to do it again. If you know it was not, then be content and feel happy about it. (MN 61)
Reflection
One of the great innovations of Buddhist psychology is the recognition that all thoughts and emotions are a form of action taken by the mind, and as such all create karma—that is to say, they are causes that result in effects. So even if you think harmful thoughts without saying or doing anything, they will have a harmful effect on you, if not on others. This is why Buddhists care so much about nurturing the quality of their minds.
Daily Practice
Look objectively and honestly at the way your mind works. If you notice you have been thinking or imagining things that could cause painful consequences, such as images of retribution against someone or plans for revenge, be aware of it and recognize that such mental activities are harmful. Acknowledge to someone you trust that you are thinking like this, recognize it as unhealthy, and commit to changing this activity in the future.
Tomorrow: Abstaining from Misbehaving Among Sensual Pleasures One week from today: Reflecting upon Social Action
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If your actions are going to be skillful, they have to come from a place where the mind can consider things carefully, clearly, and quickly. The more the mind is still, the more it’s able to do these things.
Harsh speech is unhealthy. Refraining from harsh speech is healthy. (MN 9) Abandoning harsh speech, one refrains from harsh speech. One speaks words that are gentle, pleasing to the ear, and affectionate, words that go to the heart, are courteous, and are agreeable to many. (DN 1) One practices thus: “Others may speak harshly, but I shall abstain from harsh speech.” (MN 8)
It is a mistake to return anger with anger. Not giving anger for anger, one wins a double victory. One behaves for the good of both oneself and the other person. Knowing well the other’s anger, be mindful and remain calm. In this way you are healing both yourself and the other person. (SN 11.14)
Reflection
This call for calm in the face of anger is timeless—and timely. Anger can be an effective emotion, but it is also toxic. Not only can things escalate and get seriously out of hand when you return anger with anger, but cultivating anger has a corrosive effect on your own heart and mind. If you regard the angry person as caught up by a hostile force, you can feel compassion for them rather than anger. This contributes to healing both of you.
Daily Practice
Make a point of remaining calm when someone else is angry and see what it feels like. You may feel the impulse to get angry in return, but you can recognize that this is an impulse you can abandon when it arises. By not giving in to anger when it is provoked by others, you are not only protecting yourself from the harmful effects of the toxic emotion but also helping the other person, who often, like you, is a victim of anger.
Tomorrow: Reflecting upon Mental Action One week from today: Refraining from Frivolous Speech
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