Grew up a bahai, felt immense love from the community and loved the teachings. Started having homosexual thoughts at 12 and now 10 years later the still haven’t left me. I have prayed so much that I don’t even know if I want to live anymore. I am clinically depressed and the thought of my family or the community finding out I’m gay would make me want to commit suicide.
This is all as a result of the Bahai Faith which is supposed to be a ‘progressive’ and ‘accepting’ religion which teaches about the unity of mankind. I feel isolated and repressing this part of myself is truly AWFUL for gay bahais. I have no one to talk to about this except for my therapist and even telling her has caused me so much pain because I hate associating the Faith with the reason for my depression. It should be a solace and a source of comfort in my life but the past few years has made me doubt everything I truly believed in before. I wonder why I am ‘spiritually diseased’ as Shoghi Effendi wrote. I think about how Bahaullah taught about the harmony between science and religion yet Bahais do not see homosexuality as a natural thing. I just feel like this is too much for me to handle and I am gradually drifting away. I don’t pray anymore, I just go to activities to support my family and friends and for the social interactions because otherwise I would be a disappointment to people.
I’ve turned to bad coping mechanisms to help escape the reality of who I am. I am so ashamed and feel horrible guilt over the person I am that I wonder how I’d ever be able to overcome this ‘spiritual disease’. Conversion therapy? No thanks. It’s detrimental to anyone who engages with it. I’m so heart broken that I believe in Bahaullah and everything he taught except for this ONE thing which is a part of who I am. I’m sure there are may gay bahais out there like me who also feel the same. We can’t just be expected to stay in the closet and not get married or stay celibate our whole lives. I’d rather die.
Sorry for the rant I’m just super upset and feeling a lot of mixed emotions around the faith.
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