A new dharma talk has been added to the GBF website, podcast and YouTube channel for your enjoyment:
The Dharma of Other People – Matthew Brensilver
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Human connection brings an inherent amount of suffering with it, so how do we cultivate equanimity in interpersonal relationships?
In this talk, Matthew Brensilver reflects on the deep human need for belonging. Yet an unavoidable tension arises because no person or relationship can fully satisfy craving or end suffering. He explains that understanding this unsatisfactoriness helps us realistically approach relationships without expecting them to be perfect refuges.
Instead, we learn to welcome ambivalence, the coexistence of conflicting feelings like love and frustration, joy and grief, which naturally arises in all connections. This capacity to tolerate ambivalence is a sign of psychosocial maturity and is essential for developing equanimity—the balanced mind that neither clings to nor rejects experiences and emotions.
Matthew outlines several important points about equanimity in relational life:
- Equanimity involves opening the heart to the imperfections of others and ourselves, rather than controlling or suppressing difficult feelings.
- Interpersonal interactions act like a “stress test,” revealing our hidden mental habits (greed, hate, delusion) and opportunities for compassion.
- Compassion refined by equanimity becomes “love in the face of helplessness,” recognizing the limits of our ability to control or fix others’ suffering.
- Ambivalence is not always a symptom of confusion but sometimes a clear recognition of complexity; learning to live alongside it is a spiritual achievement.
- Emotional ups and downs, including anger and grief, often resist change because these states have a kind of inertia, requiring patience and mindfulness.
- The practice of equanimity supports forgiveness, especially when we face the pain and flaws of loved ones without defensiveness or control. Forgiveness can be thought of as the unofficial "Fifth Brahmavihara" because it flows naturally from the four states of loving-kindness, compassion, sympathetic joy, and equanimity
Ultimately, Matthew encourages embracing the vulnerability and uncertainty inherent in human relationships, using meditation and honest self-reflection to cultivate a steady, openhearted presence. This practice helps us stay with the discomfort of not knowing, being wrong, or feeling helpless—key conditions for genuine connection and compassionate love.
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