Panic Attacks and Getting out and Over it

Last night, I stayed up for an online concert (One World: Together At Home Special to Celebrate COVID-19 Workers) well worth it, of course, I missed the part where it went live earlier, so I stayed up late watching and enjoying way past 2am, and so I woke up about 10am. I had a few strange and not too Freudian dreams, to make a long story longer, and resolved that I would go out and walk in the morning. 

Background: I have been increasingly more and more freaked out every time I go out. I wear a mask, and as soon as I get to the house, I remove my shoes and clothes and put clothes in the washing machine and take a shower. But I only go out on Mondays as I have a doctor appointment with Fernando the acupuncturist, about 8 or 9 blocks down Rua Alvarenga. It´s all good, people either wave and say hi because you have a mask on or glare at you because you have a mask on. I resolved that particular assault on my self-esteem problem by taking my glasses off (they do get foggy with the mask), and so then I can´t really see folks all that well.

But I get a bit jiggy, nervous and very, very sad. I really hit us when we went to the grocery store on Thursday before  Good Friday and the Supermarket was full, and no one really social distancing, and a lot of seniors mixing with families, and only a few of the employees were masked. We couldn´t wait to get out of there, and spent the next few days really sad, as one felt that a lot of the folks there were going to die. My heart just breaks. So, we resolved to order wine online and therefore avoid the supermarket. So now via a wine club, a couple of boxes is headed our way. I forgot to say, the reason we had gone to the supermarket was to grab a few things but stock up on wine.  

After that I began having some nervous attacks… nothing serious that a few hours of mahjong or SimCity didn´t cure. But just thinking about leaving the front door, got me more and more nervous. I realized about that time, that going to visit my kids in Denmark or parents and friends in the States, is going to be at least 2 years away now… as going to the USA or Denmark (borders closed) but if I did make it in, I´d have to quarantine myself  for 2 weeks there, and then 2 weeks back here… 4 weeks of quarantine for a hug and the Apple Store just doesn´t seem right. So, until vaccination is discovered and made available, here we are, face timing it and skyping. I am perfectly happy with staying remote in relation to my classes and colleagues, but my kids… I descended into deep weepy sadness on the verge of depression.

So, listening to the concert was good, some happy stuff, and feeling the energy and hopefulness helped a lot. One of the dreams I had was related to my resolving my fear of electrical saws, that I beat when I was in Sacramento. After talking to a couple of psychology amigos, and my counselor, I bought a saw, got a bunch of chocolate, and scraps of lumber, and sent Spencer and Milton away for the day. Every time I turned on the saw… I let it run until I broke out in a sweat, and then took a bite of chocolate… by the time the guys came home, I was cutting up wood and made plans for some shelves I needed to build with bricks´n boards. There I was in my dream, sawing away with gusto, and Spencer came in while I was working the saw, and said, “you can use this to get outside”. It made little sense but when I woke up I realized, all I needed to do was walk on our little street (we live on a flat dead-end street). 

So this morning, I got up, had coffee, some yogurt n granola, did my yoga online class (See: Manflow Yoga) and then went out, first put on my walking shoes and mask (not in that order) and started walking… stopping once in a while to say hello to neighbor ladies in their windows, and asking a couple who looked out from the 2^nd story apartment if everything was ok. When I got nervous, I took out my gel and gave myself a handwash and smelled the fragrance… no chocolate, as I figured that it was counter-productive. A couple of laps later, and I looked, and I had walked over a km, and so kept going… up and down, one end of the street to the other, soon it was almost 30min and over 2km and I was happy. GOOOOLLL!

Tomorrow, we need to go to the bank/ATM and my doctor's appointment. Sigh… a bunch of folks are organizing help for those who need food and help, and so to pay, we have to make a bank transfer. Masks on!

P.S. NPR had a fun story of a mayor in the States who was having fun with posts, at the end he mentioned that everyone is feeling a little crazy, and nervous, and its ok to go to your mailbox in your boxers, just don´t show your stuff. Just for the record I wasn´t in my underwear.