Ryan O’Callaghan’s plan was always to play football and then, when his career was over, kill himself.
Growing up in Redding, Calif., he didn’t see any other
option. From a deep red corner of a blue state, the conflicted young man
had decided in high school that he would never — could never — live as a
gay man. While the 6-foot-7, 330-pound offensive tackle didn’t fit any
of the gay stereotypes, he decided shortly after coming out to himself
in junior high school that he could never let anyone else in on his
darkest secret.
Over the years he had heard general comments from friends
and family members about gay people. Every utterance of a gay slur or a
joke about gay men — and he heard them plenty when he was young — was
like a knife to the gut.
"If you’re a gay kid and you hear someone you love say
‘fag,’ it makes you think that in their eyes you’re just a fag too,"
O’Callaghan told Outsports on a recent visit to Los Angeles for his
first-ever Pride celebration. "That got to me a lot."
Growing up in a conservative area light years away from
nearby San Francisco, his own views of gay people had been shaped by
those off-color comments and the rare image on television showing a gay
man he couldn’t relate to. He knew that the people in his world would
never accept him being gay, and he could never truly accept it either.
O’Callaghan decided early on that he would hide behind
football. The sport would be his "beard," and the jersey on his back
would throw off the scent and keep his secret hidden for over a dozen
years on a journey that saw him playing college ball at the University
of California and in the NFL with the New England Patriots and Kansas City Chiefs.
He spent his time in football preparing for his suicide,
yet thanks to a small group of people within the Chiefs organization he
ultimately found the will to live as the real Ryan O’Callaghan.
